So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
