just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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