Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
