chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
