You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's shark week go big or go home
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
