Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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