my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
