I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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