Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
