if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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