I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
