Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
