he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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