Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
