upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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