Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
