you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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