Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
