I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
