Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
