Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I lost the right to judge tonight
not ubering you a puppy
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Pants are for mortals
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
