Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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