I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
