This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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