I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
