U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
