When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
