I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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