My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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