woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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