You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
