Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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