Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
