I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
