Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
