I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
