So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you had me at cake vodka
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
