Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we have officially lost it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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