I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
