Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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