somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
