Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
