someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
