remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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