I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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