On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
