I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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