What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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