im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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