Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
