In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
